OPENING UP

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I don't normally open up a whole lot about myself personally, and maybe I should. Maybe it's something my audience would appreciate - seeing a more vulnerable side of me. Actually being vulnerable is something I try to stray far from, so perhaps this is also a good challenge for me.

Relationships, Tinder, new age dating and hook ups have been on my mind, a little more so these last couple of months but definitely a relevant topic on my mind for the last 5 years. I personally find the dating scene now-a-days to be very difficult, exhausting, and confusing. From trying to "swipe" through someone based on how attractive they are (don't get me wrong I have tried the whole dating app thing - I don't like it), to texting miss-communication, playing games of "I don't want to text him first", filtering through (literally) a lot of crappy humans.

Tinder: I'm not saying that this is a flop for everyone, I have heard/met people that found their significant other through the app and it's worked very well for them. I am speaking on my own personal experiences (potentially similarly to others as well). I remember when this app first came out, I was newly single at the time and was more curious about the whole than having any interest of taking it serious... this was in the early stages but it was still populated with a large "selection" (if we want to call it that when truly the selection of men is quite terrible). This whole swiping left & right thing was foreign but intriguing, more like a game. I have met a few people here and there through it; some ended up being pretty cool and ended up as friends, others made me cringe on the first date or two, some others were potentially a better "match" than others but in the end were a let down. I used this app on and off for the last while, again, not so much with the thoughts I would meet someone on there but more when I was super bored and needed a form of entertainment. As of late (yes I am still single), my friends in long term relationships have been curious to try it so they had been taking my Tinder for spin and I just refused to independently go on at this point.

Tinder, as well as text messages have opened pandoras box to lack of personal communication, honesty and more games in the dating scene. I feel like people hide behind their phones and feel like they can say whatever the fuck they want, but when it comes down to it in person they have their tail between their legs. People sit on the other side of their phone and take as much time as they want to curate the perfect text, or answer but in real life you just gotta go with it. I feel like people have lost social interaction, I'm talking human to human. Via texting you can build such a persona for yourself, and also for the person you're speaking to - you start to piece everything they're saying together and forming who this "ideal" man or woman really is... only problem with that is when you finally come to meeting them (at this point you may have some pre-judge expectations) for the most part you're let down. Part of this is why I think if you're going to do the digital thing, you should meet in person sooner than later to not over stimulate your brain with a mirage.

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Again the "new" digital dating world brings a whole other avenue of miss-communication; the game of perception. After being able to perfectly compose a response or even just a regular "sure" can be twisted and miss interpreted in someones mind. We read a text how we perceive it, and it seems for the most part we see things to be more negative... from there we over analyze the one word or sentence that person said. Trust me, I'm not pointing fingers to anyone because I am definitely one of the people that can over assess a simple reply. But when you think about it, this scenario would be much different in person since you would see the reaction. I have to remind myself "how would I react in person", "What could the scenario be in person", "What would I say as a response to anybody else in this situation". I think our mind plays tricks on us to make it seem like theres always something to question.

Added to this, we (as people) + dating/relationships have become so disposable since it's now easy to replace someone, find someone new, or have the mind frame of always being able to find something "better". Our online dating culture + hook up popularity has totally changed the way you courtship, or value people. It's a little sad if you ask me.

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Hook up scene - this has obviously been happening prior to social media and dating apps but it's become the new "norm" of dating. Which I truly hate. A lot of people seem to be quite alright with this style of "dating" or doing things I suppose which is totally valid if thats what you're interested in. There's just a whole avenue of trust that you need for a hook up only thing (especially with someone you don't know). I've been happy in a friends with benefit relationship, it was great at the time and exactly what I wanted... now it's a hard no, zero interest in something like that. It's also just quite great when people are actually open and upfront about things to not waste anyones time or drag along feelings. "Hey I'm only looking to hook up"/"I'm looking to get into a relationship" - communication is key and it's a beautiful thing!

I have been single for 5 years, I have learnt so much about myself, who I am, what I love, what I deserve and the kind of person I want in a partner. I rather be on my own than with someone or in something mediocre - I want so much more and I deserve so much more. Briefly going on dates, and meeting people the last 5 years has been pretty discouraging and motivating at the same time. Yes, it makes me see how lame a lot of people are, how hard it is to come by someone good but all of it makes me more sure of who I am and what I want in my life. As much as at this point I don't need a boyfriend, I would like to have someone in my life but I won't ever settle.

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Through shitty relationships and being solo for a while I have definitely had to remind myself that I should be able to put myself out there and be vulnerable... I will always be a guarded but it's totally okay and healthy to let your armour down. I'm just picky, and really choose wisely who I want to fully let in. No relationship is perfect, that's natural! But through all my bad relationships, shitty dates and meeting men that opened my eyes to the lack of interest I have in them this has also helped me understand myself more emotionally. I have never said "I love you" to any man I've dated; it's not that I don't believe in it or that  I don't think that I'm capable of saying it just none of them reached the peak where I felt a flooded sensation to tell someone. Well there was one person but I also never told him annndddd we wont get into that...that's a whole other story. But emotionally I am so okay with holding back until all of me knows, and is sure of this individual to fully express the love I have.

I hope that other women and men know what they are worth; what they deserve and what they want in a partner. That person can truly enrich or tarnish your life and it's something so important to be aware of, otherwise realistically your own company would be better than someone who is bringing you down... you're also never alone with amazing friends + family around - they love to see you shine!

As much as I hate dating, and filtering through people, I can't wait to meet the guy that will make my heart flood with love, be in a happy place with them and wanting to share millions of moments together. We all deserve a special person, in whatever way special is to you & them!

November Blue's nails by Little Myth
Fresh pink hair by Nessa

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Hoodie - Forever 21 (cut up by me)
Floral Gingham Trousers - Topshop
Floral Sunglasses - Prada, Heart Shaped Earrings - Aldo Accessories,
White Grommet Boots - Winners

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My newest addition to my fingers, little Playboy Bunny in memory of Hugh... and well my obsession to Playboy. Thank you Jon! We added this bad boy after a tattoo session we had - photos of tattoo will be up on my Insta soon. Check Jon Aubry out, he is an amazing artist and actually just moved to Alberta! 

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 Photographed by Stacie Carr
Instagram - Staciecarrphoto

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